Dear Julia: My sister is obsessed with a married man

Q. Dear Julia, I am concerned that my sister is developing an obsession with someone she met on holiday three months ago. The relationship was platonic, but the friendship developed through social media afterwards. He is married; she is not attached. I have not seen the texts they share, but I am starting to suspect that it is becoming an obsession for her. She talks about him all the time and in extremely flattering terms, as if she has put this man on a pedestal. I am concerned that in the end, when reality strikes, she may fall apart.
A. Thank you for your question. I can sense how much you care about your sister and how much you want to protect her from hurt. It is painful for you to witness her invest in a risky relationship. Strong sibling relationships are important, and having an eye for each other’s wellbeing is precious.
I do have some thoughts about your response to your sister, but it comes with the caveat that however much we love another person, we can never fix them or rescue them. Your sister needs to be her own best advocate. You may be able to nudge her in the right direction, but it is fundamentally her decision.
I don’t know your sister’s psychological history or how resilient she is. My answer assumes that she isn’t vulnerable. I think loving her means honestly challenging her. But before you do this, prepare your approach. Don’t shame or criticise her. We’ve all experienced that superior and judgmental feedback of “for your own good”, and it’s awful. Maybe remind her of a time when she helped you. Come from a warm, loving place, and slow down when you speak.
Start by letting her know your concern. Acknowledge that you know she wouldn’t want to have a relationship with a married man, but you are worried that she’s entered a dream world where she imagines a future with him. You fear that her dreaming will end with her being hurt. I would add that while she is dreaming about this man, she is not living her present life, is not present in her life and is missing out on meeting available men.
Show that you understand that a holiday flirtation with a married man is a sparkly experience, but continuing it at home is risky on many levels. As you recognise, a crush that grows into an obsession is a complex emotional scenario. The perspective I would suggest to your sister is that, since you know she isn’t going to have an affair with this married man, her intense feelings could be a catalyst for emotional introspection. Explore with her what they may be telling her. What is it that she’s looking for? What is missing? What is it about this married man? What does she want for herself in a future relationship?
From there you can help her to detach from the text messaging. It is tough to unhook from the dopamine hit that these messages bring — the “power of variable reward”. This power emerges from the inconsistent responses, not knowing if you will get one, longing for one, despairing. When you finally receive a response it heightens the excitement and sets the cycle going again and again. It is habit-forming and destructive.
Consider following these steps with her:
• It is up to her, but she needs to decide to stop the relationship. Remaining friends with someone you’ve been obsessed with is a delusion. • Ask her when they tend to text and then discuss ways she can distract herself at that time.• Tell her it is useful to be mindful in responding to the urge to text him. Allow the thought, but see it as a passing cloud and don’t engage with it. • Help her to focus on building her existing relationships and new ones. Look for a new sport or interest that is fun and broadens her friendship group. • Suggest developing ways to self-regulate, such as breathing, yoga and exercise. • Importantly, you could encourage her to be kind to herself.
Being obsessed is a kind of addiction, and all of us find it a hard habit to kick. Letting your sister know that you will support her through this will be vital to her.
I feel for your sister. At some point in our lives we all make bad decisions, however much we try not to. Let her know that this behaviour is an opportunity for her to discover her real needs — what does she want from a relationship? — and for you both to become closer. Getting through tough things together is bonding, and no doubt the wheel will turn, and she will help you when you need it.
Be aware that you may not be able to influence your sister in the ways you would like. I’d encourage you to be compassionate to her whatever her choices.
I wish you both the best. I hope she can get back on track and find a loving and reciprocal relationship.
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